Shit Stinks But It's Warm

As a therapist I think a lot about how to help people change their lives. I’m grateful to those who have helped me change and I know I have a long way to go. Change is hard. Last night I was buying a book with a pocketful of nickels, dimes and quarters. The book cost eight dollars, so as I counted it out I said, "Do you need change?" The cashier said, "Yes, but I have to really want to change." It’s an old joke, but the unexpectedness of it made me laugh.


My own resistance to change makes sense to me. But it’s always surprising to me when others resist my attempts to make changes in my life. The addicts I work with encounter this reaction frequently. The very people who have been hoping and harping for years that they stop doing drugs, are often disappointed by what sobriety looks like in their loved one. They are unsure of their new role. Some even attempt to sabotage the recovery they spent years praying for. They were not expecting that the addicts’ change would require huge changes in themselves.


Not everyone is convinced of his or her own need to change. Oh, they want change, but it’s other people they wish would change. They want their circumstances to change. They have become quite comfortable with themselves and can't accept how greatly they contribute to their own problems.


I don’t naturally embrace change. I resist it. Change is frightening, but inevitable. Positive changes that require minimal effort on my part are welcome changes. This is why the lottery is so popular. The chance that our whole lives could be forever changed in an instant for a dollar is hard to resist.


I’m often not even fully aware of the real changes I need to make until others point them out. I hate it when that happens. I get defensive and angry. Then I think about it. I think about how wrong they are. I rationalize and conclude they just don’t understand. But part of me knows their words hurt because they are true. I remind myself that it was love that motivated them to speak up in the first place and I should really be grateful to have friends who love me enough to risk pissing me off. Sometimes mature and right thinking can be so annoying.


Slowly, the truth sinks in and the fact is, deep down I already sensed I needed to change. I just thought I was doing a better job of hiding it from others.


There are those who want us to change for their benefit and those who want us to change for ours. When Nancy wants me to make a change it is for the benefit of our marriage. Which benefits us both. If your wife says you need to change then chances are really good that you need to change.


I can’t change another person. I am powerless to do so, and all attempts will only leave me frustrated. I’ve tried. It doesn’t work. I can’t change another no matter how hard I try. Raising the volume and frequency of my requests surprisingly doesn’t help either. No member of my family has ever said to me, "Oh, thank you. I didn’t see that you were right until you started yelling. The first one thousand times you said it, it didn’t make sense. Thanks for hanging in there and saying it one thousand and one times."


If something doesn’t work, stop doing it. If we put the energy we waste in trying to change another, into changing ourselves, we would find much of the happiness which eludes us.


I can’t change the past. As much as I wish I could, I can’t. So any time I spend wishing and regretting is wasted and it squanders energy that could be used to change my present. I can’t change the past.


I accept my past. The good and the bad. Acceptance is not to be confused with approval. For years this confusion kept me from forgiving others. I do not approve of the bad things that have happened to me, but I accept the reality that they happened. I accept my past.


I accept myself. The good and the bad. In doing so, I am not approving of the bad. I’m not making excuses for my character defects. I’m acknowledging and accepting the reality of them. I’m choosing to no longer live in denial of my faults and strengths. I’m asking God to shine a spotlight on my blind spots, so I can clearly see what needs work. False modesty is boring. There is so much good in each of us to be thankful to God for and to celebrate. Josh McDowell states that self-esteem is seeing myself as God sees me, nothing more, nothing less. I accept myself.


I accept others for who they are. When I stop trying to change people and just communicate how much I value them for who they are, a solid basis is created for relationship. My lack of agenda frees me from trying to manipulate them to change. They don’t have to be afraid to trust and get close. I’m way too busy trying to change me to be concerned with trying to change them. I accept others for who they are.


I know some wonderful people who accept me for who I am. It feels so good to spend time with them. They don’t try to change or shame me. We crack up laughing at the quirks of our personalities. After spending time with them I leave wanting to be more true to the way God made me. When we accept people for who they are, it does not make them want to remain as they are. It makes them want to change to be better.


How do others feel about themselves after having spent time with you?


We act consistent with our view of ourselves. And it is impossible to do otherwise. When I view myself as a loser, I follow a loser script and act like one. Who I am is not a failure even though I have failed at many things. I act in accordance with the part I have accepted, but it’s not the real me. The real me has infinite value. My worth is based on my position as a forgiven child of God. When I truly believe this I will act like it.


When we are truly ourselves it is magnificent and holy. As we grow we find our own voice. We begin to trust our own instincts. We value our own gifts and wounds. We accept the fact that we have something of value to offer others. We become more solid.


I love being around such people because I sense their honesty. Authenticity is obvious. They are not pulling from me to build themselves up or to fill in any gaps in their souls. They are not emotionally needy. They are comfortable in their own skin. Their holy acceptance of themselves overflows into acceptance of who others truly are.


I believe we are full of original sin, but that does not mean we are evil, just in need of a Savior. Who I am is not bad. Sometimes what I do is. So those are the things I will work on changing. But we are not to change who we are. We are to celebrate and revel in it. We are to express it and roll around in it in messy ways, like a child or a hog gleefully covers itself in mud with an expression that says, "Look at me!"


When other people call me weird, it says far more about them than it says about me. I embrace my weirdness. I reject the attempts of others to make me conform. When we express that which makes us unique, it is glorious. It is an act of worship. God took special care to make you just as you are. No one else has your combination of gifts, strengths and flaws. What an insult to our Creator it must be when we tear our selves down, or try to be someone else. It is not spiritual. Quite the opposite, it is sinful. Self-flagellation earns us no points with God. Comparing ourselves to others is pointless because we are each a one of a kind priceless masterpiece.


When we devalue our selves it takes our focus away from changing. We are not to change our essence. We need to be our selves. No one else can fill that position, and God would not have made you if you were not necessary. We seek to change some of our attitudes and behaviors, which is easier to do once we begin to accept our true selves.


I ask people to do things that are so difficult. In fact, these things are impossible if we try to do them in our own strength. We need God and His supernatural strength in order to really make change in our lives.


I work with a lot of people who do not really want to change. They say they do, but it becomes obvious that they really don’t. That’s when I tell them one of the deep truths of life.


Shit stinks, but it’s warm.


People will complain that they are in all of this shit. They moan and whine about the smell to any one who’ll listen. Then someone tells them how to get out of it. They say, "No thanks. It’s warm here. It’s what I know. It’s comfortable. I’d rather just stay and complain about the smell and whose fault it is that I’m here."


We call these secondary gains. It’s the benefit we get from the status quo. It’s our reward for holding on to our problems. No one will change until they are willing to give up the perceived benefit of staying the same. As long as I stay depressed and refuse to get better, no one will expect much from me. As long as I remain a victim, I don’t have to take responsibility. As long as I’m sick, people feel sorry for me. Where is my motivation for change in that?


What are you doing to ensure that you won’t get better?


Do you really want to change, or do you want to just keep talking about how much you really want to change?


What are the rewards you are gaining from holding on to your problems?


You will change when it hurts too much to not change.


What’s that smell?