Blended families

Thursday night I got to speak at St. Joe Hospital in Plymouth on how to adjust to being in a blended family. Here are some of the ideas we discussed.

One thing that makes step-parenting so difficult is that you have all of the responsibility without the authority.

The step-parent tends to be the strict parent and wants to lay down the law. Their spouse then feels caught in the middle between the step-parent and their children, trying to keep the peace. This puts tremendous stress on the marriage. This fight is one of the main reasons that second marriages fail at a higher rate than first marriages.

When dealing with ex-spouses, all the grown ups have to act like grown ups. For the sake of the children take the high road. Even though your ex talks badly about you to the children you must not sink to that level.

If the children are not going to have two parents who act like adults, then give them one parent who does.

Step-parents, Lighten up! Don't force the relationship with the kids. Stop trying so hard. Choose your battles wisely. Let your spouse raise their kids as they see fit, even when you disagree with how they are handling the situation. Let your spouse be the primary disciplinarian for their children. Bite your tongue. Back off and stop being a part of the problem.

But do not become emotionally distant either. Be involved. Be an example, a support, and a presence in the home. Back up your spouse even when they are wrong. Present a united front. Never argue in front of the kids.

Our children will not learn every lesson we want to teach them before they are eighteen years old. They will figure out a lot when they have kids of their own.

If you really want to be heard, whisper. Kids are deaf to yelling.

When you feel you are getting upset, give yourself a time out.

We want our children to remember growing up in our home as a safe place where it was not just ok to be themselves, it was celebrated. We want to create a home filled with fun, silliness, and grace. For an example see the parents of the girl in the movie Bridge to Terabithia.

Yes, we are to have rules and consequences, but these are for the purpose of teaching and preparing them for a successful launch, not to punish them.

The way you best demonstrate your love for your spouse is by accepting and loving their children just as they are.

Well, we talked about a lot more, but that gives you an idea. I felt that it went very well.