Dear Michele

I remember one time when you were four years old and you were playing at my desk. You found the drawer where I kept a little vial of pepper spray. The vial was designed to look like a pen so people wouldn't know they were about to get sprayed. Boy were you surprised when you pushed the little button on the end of the "pen". I don't think I've ever heard a scream quite like that.

I put your little face under the faucet and blasted your swollen eyes with water. You suddenly made the most annoying high pitched yelp as the steam coming off your face alerted me to the high temperature of the water. I just had to laugh. I mean what are the odds of that?

Love, Dad

Lose Weight! Get Laid! Find God!

Another great book from the men who brought us This Book Will change Your Life, and it's sequel This Book Will Change Your Life Again! There is some very funny stuff in here. Follow this plan for each year of your life starting from age 0 to 100. Here are some examples.

Age 1: Learn to babble incoherently
Age 2: Learn to master bodily functions
Age 4: Attempt to murder your younger siblings (Lists ways)
Age 7: Ask adults stupid questions (Gives examples)
Age 8: Let TV start controlling your mind
Age 13: Go from loving to hating your parents
Age 15: Rebel against society
Age 26: Start working for the Man
Age 36: Burden your kids with unreasonable expectations
Age 45: Adopt a third world orphan
Age 46: Divorce messily
Age 58: Turn into your parents
Age 68: Move to Florida
Age 71: Spoil your grandchildren
Age 84: Discuss nothing but your diseases

Accelerated Reading Program Part III

Final 15 books I read in 2006

1. Martin Luther, by Martin Marty...The book on the man.
2. The Hand of Providence, by Mary Beth Brown...Ronald Reagan's spirituality extolled.
3. For One More Day, by Mitch Albom...I cried. Hard.
4. In a Pit With a Lion on a Snowy Day, by Mark Batterson...One of my favorite books of the year. Chapter 8 validates my whole way of life. Not that I needed validation, but there it is.
5. The Practice of the Presence of God, by Brother Lawrence...another classic, has me more aware of Gods' nearness.
6. The Magicians Nephew, by C.S. Lewis...read em as a child, read em to my children, in 2006 read em as a child again.
7. The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe, by Lewis
8. Prince Caspian, by Lewis
9. The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, by Lewis
10. The Silver Chair, by Lewis
11. The Last Battle, by Lewis
12. A Horse and His Boy, by Lewis
13. Lincoln, by Gore Vidal
14. Velvet Elvis, Rob Bell...I'm gonna need a whole post to discuss this one.
15. To Own a Dragon, by Donald Miller...This is a special book and I know a lot of young men who have been greatly helped by it. I like Miller.

Accelerated Reading Program Part II

16 more books read in 2006 and briefly reviewed

1. To America, by Stephen Ambrose...How his love of history enriched his life.
2. An Ordinary Man, by Paul Rusesabagina...based the movie Hotel Rwanda on this book, powerful, go read it.
3. Smoke and Mirrors, by Neil Gaiman...more short stories by this master of fantasy.
4. First Impressions, by Mark Waltz...I know him! He's my friend! I love that guy! He's a pastor, but not so's you'd know it, which is a high compliment from me. Oh yeah, the book...it sucked big time, just kidding. practical, proven ways to create the WOW experience in your church to help people know they matter to God. Now get busy on your next book Mark. Book mark.
5. The Weight of Glory, by C.S. Lewis...not his best, but excellent pages on the value of people, if we saw people for how they really are, immortal, glorious spirit beings in the image of God, we would be so overcome we'd be almost tempted to worship them, but instead we would treat every person as a being of infinite value.
6. Family First, by Dr. Phil...not bad, not a big fan, but his folksy common sense and direct delivery is refreshing.
7. Crazy, America's Mental Health Madness, by Pete Earley...great job of illustrating the mess our system is in. Solutions? Not so much.
8. On Being a Therapist, by Jeffrey Kottler...very helpful, I have a lot to learn, In fact I think when I'm 90 I'll be a half way decent therapist.
9. Law in America, by Lawrence M. Friedman...you might think that this book would be boring and of little value to us laymen, and you would be right.
10. He is There and He is Not Silent, by Francis Schaeffer...while I still consider it a classic, I'd forgotten until this time through how much he repeats info from his other books.
11. The Pirate Coast, by Richard Zacks, it's about Thomas Jefferson and the very first mission of the Marines, which was "to the shores of Tripoli." A good read.
12. Leading With a Limp, by Dan Allender... he's got a great half of a book here, I'd be willing to say more than half. This is much more easily forgiven if the second half is the better half, but alas, it wasn't. When the team doesn't show up after half-time there's no possibility of a comeback.
13. The Seven Sacred Truths, by Denis Waitley...even though it is filled with pointless psycho-babble, it also has a lot of New Age crap. So it all evens out.
14. Winston Churchill; Man of the Century, by John Ramsden...I knew Churchill was a great man, but I didn't realize just how great until I read Ramsdens' book.
15. Letters to a Young Therapist, by Mary Pipher...if you're seeing a therapist and they haven't read this book, buy it for them, and tell them you expect it to be read before your next session. Of course, they will be deeply offended and angry, and that's when you helpfully point out that it isn't you who've made them angry, they chose to be angry.
16. Anne Frank, The Diary of a Young Girl, by Anne Frank...This was the first time I read it since I got to see the actual diary at the Museum of Tolerance in L.A. It had more of an impact this time.

Accelerated Reading Program Part I

I try to read 100 books a year. Last year I missed my goal and only read 94. Some were great and some I would not recommend. Here is a list of the books I read in 2006.

1. The Swiss Reformation, by Bruce Gordon...Loved it, but then, I am really into history.
2. The Anabaptist Story, by William Estep...Loved it, helped me with my genealogy.
3. Bernese Anabaptists, by Delbert Gratz... Even mentions some Klopfenstein ancestors.
4. Age of Napoleon Alistar Horne...Liked it, but I'm sure there are better works on the topic.
5. The Great Fire of London, by Neil Hanson...Liked it and totally loved London when I got to visit. So I think I would enjoy most books about the history of London. With the exceptions being Numbers 20 and 39 on this page.
6. The Reformation, by Patrick Collinson...Liked it.
7. Leonardo, First Scientist, by Michael White...Loved it. The history of science is way cool.
8. Lies My Teacher Told Me, by James Loewen...Liked it, fun subversive facts to quote.
9. That's Not In My American History Book, by Thomas Ayres...See 8.
10. Truth and Fiction in the Da Vinci Code, by Bert Ehrman...Just ok, read DaVinci Code in 05 and quickly grew weary of the hype.
11. Night, by Elie Wiesel...Loved it.
12. Bird by Bird, by Anne Lamott...Loved it, and love her. Don't agree with her politics, but this gifted writer has helped me so much.
13. Plan B, by Anne Lamott...Loved it. You hate Bush, I get it, move on please.
14. Traveling Mercies, by Anne Lamott...Loved it, She stretches and challenges me.
15. Crooked Little Heart, by Anne Lamott...Loved it, go read this book, one of my fav authors.
16. Sir Apropos of Nothing, by Peter David...Liked it, big on puns, some clever.
17. The Woad to Wuin, by Peter David...It was ok, as a novelist he's a very good comic book writer.
18. Spiritual Notes to Myself, by Hugh Prather...He should keep the notes to himself, Hated it.
19. Stardust, by Neil Gaiman...Liked it, fantasy, comic book writer turned best selling author.
20. Great Tales from English History Vol. II, by Robert Lacey...Not so great.
21. The Message New Testament, by Eugene Peterson and God...I love reading the Bible in understandable words, just like how most of the New Testament was originally written in the commonly spoken language of it's day, Koine Greek. Another example would be the King James Version which was also written in the style which everyone spoke at the time. That was before the Shakespearean english in the KJV was elevated to holy writ and Bibliolatry, the worship of the Bible, ensued. Am I ranting? Where was I? Oh yeah. The Message. So contemporary it can be jarring in places. And so contemporary it will be obsolete in a couple of years. But I don't think I'll ever be ready for the gangsta hip hop rap Bible which already really exists. So I guess I'm no different than the KJV only people I was offending, and now beg forgiveness from. In the immortal words of Emily Litella, the character played by Gilda Radner on Saturday Night Live, "Never mind."
22. Up From Slavery, by Booker T. Washington...Loved it.
23. Just As I Am, by Billy Graham...Liked it, but not as much as I thought I would, love the man though.
24. The Real Rain Man, by Fran Peek...Loved it, go read this book, fascinating read about the man who inspired the movie.
25. The Age of Shakespeare, by Frank Kermode...Just ok, looking for a better one on him.
26. Flashbang, by Mark Steele...enjoyed it, funny stories, good message about how to get over yourself.
27. American History in Black and White, by David Barton...worth reading.
28. Soul Survivor, by Philip Yancey...liked the book, great writer, not his best work.
29. The Story of My Life, by Helen Keller...It was good, interesting,but I expected it to be better.
30. A Prayer For Owen Meaney, by John Irving...Wow. Loved it, will read again, go read it.
31. How to Master your Time, by Brian Tracy...Waste of time.
32. Stealing Gods Thunder, by Philip Dray...about Ben Franklin, good, but I want to read a better book about him. I heard his autobiography is the one.
33. The War of Art, by Steven Pressfield...on resistance to creativity, it was ok.
34. Indelible Ink, Scott Larsen, editor...Go read this, Christian leaders on best books they read.
35. Faster, by James Gleick...tedious, waste of time, should be called Slower.
36. Rich Mullins, An Arrow Pointing to Heaven, by James Smith...Awesome book, Awesome God.
37. Crime and Punishment, by Dostoyevsky...Go read it. On inner struggle to justify sin.
38. The Power of Self Coaching, by Joseph Luciani...nope, sorry coach, not a winner.
39. London, A History, by Ann Wilson...zzzzzz. History is not boring unless it is made so, it was.
40. Celebration of Discipline, by Richard J. Foster...challenged me, called me to go deeper.
41. Self-Worth Without Self-Worship, by Kenneth Beavers...good title and...good title.
42. Walking the Bible, by Bruce Feiler...worth reading, didn't buy his transformation.
43. The Unaborted Socrates, by Peter Kreeft...A gem, shines light of logic on emotional issue.
44. The Knowledge of The Holy, by A.W. Tozer...Classic, I've read it several times.
45. The Catcher in the Rye, J.D. Salinger...Huh? Did not get it.
46. The Pleasure of My Company, by Steve Martin...very funny, well written.
47. The Inner Life, by Thomas a kempis...Classic.
48. The World According to Narnia, by Jonathon Rogers...worth reading, good insights.
49. Hamlet, by Will Shakespeare...enjoyed it. Helped that I listened on tape as I read the book.
50. The Brothers Karamozov, by Dostoyevsky...I loved it. It is my nephew Joel Boerckels' favorite book. Which should be enough of an endorsement right there for you to read it. Better than Crime and Punishment.
51. Chasing Daylight, by Eugene O'Kelly...go read it. True story of a Fortune 500 CEO who gets cancer and learns to live before he dies.
52. Remembering Jim Crowe, by Stephen Smith...powerful, effects of slavery, made me angry.
53. Eisner/Miller, book length conversation between Will Eisner, creator of The Spirit and Frank Miller, creator of the graphic novel 300, which is sure to win the Oscar for Best Movie Ever.
54. Dawn, by Elie Wisel...liked Night better.
55. To Kill a Mockingbird, by Harper Lee...Love it, re-read it, I want a sequel. Brilliant.
56. Silence, by Shusako Endo...powerful, every missionary, every Christian should read it
57. The Prince and the Pauper, by Mark Twain...ok, not his best work.
58. To Be a Slave, by Julius Lester...former slaves and their children tell their stories. uh, wow.
59. Financial Peace, by Dave Ramsey...If I ever get some money I'll know what to do.
60. Something Beautiful For God, by Malcom Muggeridge...life of Mother Teresa, helped me to gain a better appreciation for her life and work.
61. When God Doesn't make Sense, by James Dobson...just ok, dated, Yancey handles the topic better.
62. The Real Jesus, by Luke Timothy Johnson...blasts the Jesus Seminar, which needs blasting, but still misses the truth.
63. The Total Money Makeover, by Dave Ramsey...see number 59.

Dear Michele

I was thinking the other day about how much better the world would be if everyone would just ask them selves this simple question everyday, "What can I do to make Toms' life better?" What if millions of people would just take a few minutes out of their busy day to do something nice for me? It fills my heart with joy to imagine such a world. But it will never happen. And you know why? Because people are so selfish.

Love, Dad

Talkin' Bout My Genealogy

This handsome man is my great, great, great, great grandfather. (Now we know where we get that prominent Klopfenstein nose from.) He was a Mennonite farmer.

Here is the list of my ancestors from father to son and the year they were born.

1. Michel 1544 My great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandpa
2. Hans 1573
3. Benedicht 1596
4. Peter 1632
5. Hans 1662
6. Pierre 1703
7. Jean 1729
8. Michel 1762 pictured above
9. Jean 1787
10. Michael 1824
11. Michael Jr. 1854
12. Gary Sigmund 1896
13. Gary 1924
14. Thomas David 1964 Me!
15. Benjamin Gary 1988

Nursing Home

Yesterday Nancy and I went to see her mother in the nursing home. She was sleeping. Nancy held her hand and told her how much she loved her. We were encouraged to hear that she ate, because she hadn't been. Alzheimer's is such an evil disease. It kills the person but leaves their body alive to suffer.

While we were there we heard an elderly woman down the hall yelling, "Mother... help...Mama...help..." That broke our hearts. She will do that for hours every day. That woman has regressed to a little girl. She misses her mommy. She doesn't understand why she is in this strange place or why her mom won't come and get her.

We are at that stage in life where we are trying to care for our parents and our kids. It can be very stressful at times.

The Power Of Serving Others

I read a great book called The Power of Serving Others by Gary Morsch and Dean Nelson. Here are some quotes from it which I found helpful.


Everyone has something to give.


Most people are willing to give when they see the need and have the opportunity.


Everyone can do something for someone right now.


We live by loving and serving others.


Service isn't limited to big dramatic acts.


We can do no great things, only small things with great love. -Mother Teresa


We are the answers to other peoples prayers.


If we wait there's never enough to act. If we act, there's always enough.


Everyone needs a sense of purpose in their lives which transcends their daily needs.


Living for yourself is it's own type of slavery.


Failure is what you decide it is.


You can make a living, which is to measure what you get - or you can have a life, which is to measure what you give.


Everyone encounters someone every day, often across cultural lines, who could benefit from a gesture that says, "I see you. You matter."

Proper Care Of Nose Hair

Perhaps you have chosen to ignore the cautionary tale in my previous post and you insist on growing out your nose hairs. Like a rebellious teenage hippie thumbing his nose at the establishment, you think you can stick it to the man with your counter cultural long hair and free love. Well I'm not here to judge you "dude". I used to be you man. As the photo clearly shows, back in the day I was proud of my luxurious nose of hair.

Personal Hygiene Tip Of The Day

As one of the many public services I provide I will occasionally be sharing personal hygiene tips.

Have you ever been talking to someone when you notice unruly nose hairs sprouting from each nostril? I find it so distracting. I stop listening to them. Is it an optical illusion or are the hairs clearly growing before my eyes? It makes me want to reach over and get a solid grip on those hairs and yank a handful out. So far I have resisted the urge.

I don't even know what proper etiquette requires in such a situation. To tell or not to tell. On two occasions I informed the person of the offending locks. In the first case the hirsute one responded with a blistering insult to even the score. I was only trying to be helpful. My good deed did not go unpunished.

The second time I was on a first date. We were sitting at our table in Hacienda. She had the most beautiful eyes. But my view was obstructed. There, hanging like a rock climber from her left nostril, was a lone strand.

Now I can sense that you are judging me as you read this. Well hindsight is 20/20. I like to think I would handle the situation differently now that I am ten years older and much more sophisticated. You weren't there, so I don't see how you can look down your hairless nose at me.

Maybe it was the strawberry margarita talking, or the building tension as I tried but couldn't ignore it, beads-of-sweat-formed-on-my-forehead-her-lips-were-moving-but-I-heard-nothing-I-was-repulsed-yet-I-could-not-avert-my-eyes...I heard a pressured voice blurt out, "You have a hair sticking out of your nose!"

I seem to remember an awkward moment.

Six months later we were married.

I think the lesson is clear.

Dear Michele

As I look back over my life there are some things I wish I would have done differently. I suppose that is normal for a middle aged man as myself. So please bear with me as I feel it is my duty to pass along what little wisdom I have attained.

Looking back over my life I wish I had done more crazy things. We try so hard to be mature and professional. Michele, every once in awhile do something unexpected, out there, insane. When I say insane, I mean things like mumbling to yourself as you drool, hugging cars, calling everyone Harriet, or explaining to strangers how the aliens put a microchip in your brain to monitor your thoughts. Claiming to be the messiah is always a good one.

Someday you will wish you had established a long history of insane behavior patterns so you can be declared not guilty by reason of insanity when you kill someone. And don't make the rookie mistake of thinking you can just act crazy the week before you do it either. They see right through that. Trust me, I know.

Love, Dad

Crazy Cat Lady

Do you know a Crazy Cat Lady? Are you one? On the back of the package it has this quiz to determine if you are a Crazy Cat Lady.

Do you get excited when you hear a can opener?

Do you have more cats than ex-boyfriends?

Do you bring new boyfriends home so your cats can meet them?

Do you later break up with them because the cats weren't impressed?

Do you buy the kind of ice cream your cats prefer instead of the kind you prefer?

Have you ever warned a guest not to sit on a specific piece of furniture because it belongs to the cats?

Do you feel that the ancient Egyptian tradition of cat worship is the one true religion?

Can you tell your cats apart by the roughness of their tongues?

I will have to check the Diagnostical and Statistical Manual IV to see if this is a treatable diagnosis. My review of this toy is: 4 stars out of 5.

The word for the week

The word for the week is brouhaha. I like this word because it is fun to say and it has a built in laugh. It's hard for me to stop after the second ha. I want to say brouhahahahaha.

We all need to start using this word more often, which I think would make the world a better place. Perhaps we could add haha to other words.

Please give me your creative definition of brouhaha.

A brouhaha is a noisy clamourous response to a stimulus, produced by a crowd. It can also refer to the reaction expressed over a period of time to an event. It usually carries negative connotations, the uproar being an utterance of discontent, however it has taken on a milder nuance and a 'brouhaha' may be used to describe a clamour arising for no good reason. Often used erroneously by sportscasters.
It originates from the French word of the same spelling.

Blended families

Thursday night I got to speak at St. Joe Hospital in Plymouth on how to adjust to being in a blended family. Here are some of the ideas we discussed.

One thing that makes step-parenting so difficult is that you have all of the responsibility without the authority.

The step-parent tends to be the strict parent and wants to lay down the law. Their spouse then feels caught in the middle between the step-parent and their children, trying to keep the peace. This puts tremendous stress on the marriage. This fight is one of the main reasons that second marriages fail at a higher rate than first marriages.

When dealing with ex-spouses, all the grown ups have to act like grown ups. For the sake of the children take the high road. Even though your ex talks badly about you to the children you must not sink to that level.

If the children are not going to have two parents who act like adults, then give them one parent who does.

Step-parents, Lighten up! Don't force the relationship with the kids. Stop trying so hard. Choose your battles wisely. Let your spouse raise their kids as they see fit, even when you disagree with how they are handling the situation. Let your spouse be the primary disciplinarian for their children. Bite your tongue. Back off and stop being a part of the problem.

But do not become emotionally distant either. Be involved. Be an example, a support, and a presence in the home. Back up your spouse even when they are wrong. Present a united front. Never argue in front of the kids.

Our children will not learn every lesson we want to teach them before they are eighteen years old. They will figure out a lot when they have kids of their own.

If you really want to be heard, whisper. Kids are deaf to yelling.

When you feel you are getting upset, give yourself a time out.

We want our children to remember growing up in our home as a safe place where it was not just ok to be themselves, it was celebrated. We want to create a home filled with fun, silliness, and grace. For an example see the parents of the girl in the movie Bridge to Terabithia.

Yes, we are to have rules and consequences, but these are for the purpose of teaching and preparing them for a successful launch, not to punish them.

The way you best demonstrate your love for your spouse is by accepting and loving their children just as they are.

Well, we talked about a lot more, but that gives you an idea. I felt that it went very well.

When they hurt

Its really hard to see people I love going through difficult times.

Especially when those people are my children. I feel powerless and far away. The fact is I am powerless. I wish I could take the pain away. I accept that God uses pain in my life to make me look more like Him, I just wish He wouldn't use it in their lives. I know thats not how it works. It's unrealistic for me to think they wouldn't suffer. But I sure don't like it.

So I pray for them. I know that prayer is not the least we can do. Somehow prayer works, and thats still a mystery to me. I am powerless, but God is all powerful. So I plead that He will comfort them in their pain, hold them close, and let them find healing in His presence.

THIS JUST IN

It appears that something has happened to Anna Nicole Smith. Maybe there will be something on the news about her.