The Radish

Nancy and I went to Meijer for groceries. I found this radish and showed it to her. As we were loading the groceries into the car, I knew I just had to go back and buy it. As I placed it on the conveyor I thought the cashier was very professional, because she did not say a word.

I put it in a covered dish and brought it to Nancy's family Thanksgiving dinner where it was a big hit. Next, we were to make our appearance at my family Thanksgiving dinner. So I put it back in the covered dish.

Nancy encouraged me to think twice about this, and not bring it in. Nancy is very wise and I would do better to listen to her more often. Right after the prayer I presented it to my family with all the pride of a new father showing off the baby.

I was met with stunned silence. Not even the teenage boys laughed. They just stared with eyes wide, wondering if Uncle Tom was going to Hell. I think I heard a cricket. The eternal silence was broken by Scott who asked me, "What is our response to be?"

I was thinking that when faced with such a wonder of nature that hilarious laughter would be appropriate. Not so. Ben later remarked that he had never witnessed so awkward a moment. In the annuls of family history it has become known as the Silent Thanksgiving.

I didn't make the radish. God did. I just showed it to everyone who came to our house and made inappropriate jokes about it.

Ben and I put it on ebay. I figured if people would buy a grilled cheese sandwich with the Virgin Mary on it for thousands of dollars, then I ought to be able to make a fortune with a well-endowed radish. But it was not to be. Ebay removed it.

Ben and I mailed it back and forth to each other for months. Long after it rotted and was just a flaccid shadow of its former self.

I'm no longer allowed to accompany Nancy to the grocery store.